WHAT THE NANNY SAW by FIONA NEILL

WHAT THE NANNY SAW

BY FIONA NEILL

THE BLURB:-

Nanny required to take care of busy professional London family.

When penniless student Ali Sparrow answers Bryony and Nick Skinner's advertisement her life changes overnight.

She is capitulated into the privileged and excessive world of London's financial elite. At first everything is overwhelming- from twins who speak their own language to a teenage girl with weight issues, and a son almost Ali's own age. Then there is Bryony, who has one eye on her dazzling career and the other on Ali's failings.

When boom turns to bust and a scandal erupts that suggests something corrupt has been hatched behind the Skinners' front door, their private life is suddenly public news. And as Ali becomes indispensable, she realizes she's witness to things she probably shouldn't see.

But is she principled enough to keep the family's secrets when the press come prowling for the inside scoop? Or will she dish the dirt on the family who never saw her as anything other than part of the scenery?

THE REALITY:-

It took me a while to get into this book. Maybe I simply read it at a particularly bad time- I did not need to hear about the privileged lives of upper middle class professional people when I myself am struggling (my novel is far better than this- why I have not yet got an agent or publisher, I do not know). The way I see it, it's so much easier to 'get on' when you have the background, old school tie and contacts to move seamlessly forward into your chosen career. If you are working class, like me, you very often don't, and the big bad world can seem confusing and overwhelming. Mind you, one thing this class of people seem to have is an arrogance; a kind of expectation that getting a good job is a God-given right. I must say, I also share in that arrogance- I think that a person who has studied at further education level for four years or more, and who has applied themselves to getting a degree, or equivalent, is entitled to a good job. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean wandering in at director level on £60,000 a year; just that they should be fast tracked and not given the work of a sixteen or eighteen year old school leaver to do, and earn a better salary than said people, commensurate with their qualifications. To me, qualifications DO matter- I find the people who say that they don't tend not to have any.

Rant over, now back to the book. The main characters of Ali and Bryony did not particularly enthrall me and it's a sad indication that the dog, Leicester, was probably one of the more interesting characters, what with his dirty protests and his penchant for dumping in peoples' shoes (yes, the lavatorial always makes me laugh!) The twin boys and Izzy, the daughter with the eating disorder, were also good characters, but the person who made the best copy was Foy, the old boy who started and finished this novel. The book wasn't totally boring and there were some fun scenes that remind you that these people are only human, such as where Nick almost gets caught masturbating over computer porn by Ali and where Sophia throws beetroot soup over her husband and calls him a cunt (see, I told you I like the base!) The lives and stories of the other foreign nannies and housekeepers who work for these people were nicely documented and poignant.

It was interesting that the address of the house where Ali works was noted as being 94 Holland Park Crescent on page 6 and then 97 Holland Park Crescent on page 506. Continuity differences like these grate on my fucking nerves! Mistakes do happen- every time I re-read my novel I find a small discrepancy, but my excuse is that I haven't (yet) had the joy of having a professional editor work on my book, and I suppose it is 320,000 words long so you are going to find mistakes. But What The Nanny Saw is properly published and editorial teams need to sort things like this out.

I enjoyed learning about the workings of the financial world, via Nick's dealings, and think his downfall and subsequent investigation could have been expanded upon as it would have made interesting reading. The ending was a finishing point, as such, but a bit nondescript- it was so forgettable that I read it before going to bed but had totally forgotten it by the morning and had to re-read it. I can't even remember whether Ali did dish the dirt on her former employer, or not. I suppose you'd call this book a nice summer beach read, and I would give another book by this author a go, but with extreme trepidation. Unlike some, I'm all for giving people a chance or two. 

WHAT'S A GIRL GOTTA DO? by SPARKLE HAYTER

WHAT'S A GIRL GOTTA DO?

BY SPARKLE HAYTER

THE BLURB:-

Nothing is going right for Robin Hudson, a spunky, sexy, “slightly rumpled, third string reporter in Rita Hayworth's body.” Her husband has left her for a prettier and much younger woman; she's been demoted to the tabloidesque Special Reports unit at the All News Network after an on-air faux pas at the White House, and a blackmailer knows some of her worst secrets. To cap it all, Robin becomes a suspect in a brutal murder. Gathering her wits, her perfume atomizer spiked with cayenne pepper and her Epilady, she turns reluctant sleuth to find the real killer and clear her name...all this while doing an undercover assignment at a sperm bank with her loathsome boss.

THE REALITY:-

Sparkle Hayter? I mean, really, Sparkle Hayter?! Purr-leeease! I Googled this author and found out that there are no references to her having another name, so this appears to be her real, given moniker (actually, I quite like it, even though I'm a sparkle lover!)

This book was in the scabbiest condition of any I have ever read- my partner got it free with a summer survival pack that came with a Sunday newspaper and it had sat upon his windowsill for many years, getting sun bleached and rained upon. But, in the desperation of finding myself alone and awake around his one morning, with nothing to read, I decided to give it a go.

I'm glad I did! I immediately loved voluptuous redhead Robin Hudson's feisty ways and human edges. One of life's survivors with an interesting past, she came across as a real person and was extremely likeable. With many twists and turns, this book leads you on a goose-chase-romp right through the heart of New York City and, on the way, you will meet some very funny characters and hilarious scenarios, including something to do with a sperm bank- ha ha!  Fast paced and gripping, this is not serious stuff but it does what it says on the tin and is a great summer (or winter) read.

The perpetrator came as a bit of a surprise, I have to say, and was, gladly, one of the more dislikeable people in the book, someone who deserved a poke in the eyes and then some. On that note, I'm also glad that spirited Robin rid herself both realistically and emotionally of her useless, piece of shit, “I-Love-Me” husband. She's worth so much better and I hope she manages to sort her love life with Eric out.

Apparently there are more Robin Hudson novels in the series and I'm looking forward to rooting them out and reading them.

PURPLE SPARKLY FAITH SHOES...

Father forgive me,

I tried not to do it,

Turned over a new leaf,

Then tore right through it....

So sang The Pet Shop Boys in 1987....

I know I said I wouldn't be buying more shoes but...... 

1)  I haven't bought shoes since last year.

2) Purple is my favourite colour.

3) They're sparkly.

4) They were a BARGAIN- £16.50 in the Debenhams' sale, reduced from £55. 

5) Despite being a titch, I have a habit of picking men that are over the six foot mark and NEED high heels.

6) I don't spend ALL of my time lying down with aforementioned men, despite what you all might think.

7) They SPOKE to me!!!!

CLOSED CIRCLE by ROBERT GODDARD

CLOSED CIRCLE

BY ROBERT GODDARD

THE BLURB:-

The year is 1931. The new and luxurious transatlantic liner Empress of Britain is on her eastward passage. Among the first-class passengers on board are two English confidence tricksters, making a discreet exit from a little awkwardness they have left behind them in the United States. A chance meeting on deck brings them a tempting new target in the shape of Miss Charnwood and her niece, the beautiful Diana, only child of the immensely wealthy Fabian Charnwood.

It's a trick they've pulled before with some success. Charm the daughter into an engagement to marry, then get the father to buy you off. So confident are they of success, in fact, that they make a pact: whichever of them wins Diana Charnwood's love will share his fortune with the other. Who would imagine that these smooth operators would let their hearts rule their heads? Or that violent death would find its way into their little scheme? Or that they would stumble into something much darker and deeper than either has suspected?

THE REALITY:-

This book was easy to read. But I also managed to read three different books after starting it so it was easy to put down and pick up again! Like your favourite soap opera after you've missed a few episodes, it was simple to pick up the thread.

This was a good, dishonest(!) crime thriller, filled with its fair share of baddies and double-crossers. Credit to the author that you didn't immediately know who was going to be which. The only big twist was the non-death of of one of the murdered characters but I'll let you read it and discover his or her identity for yourself.

With a good mix of well-described characters; from the glamorous and beautiful Diana to her upholstered aunt, from the wronged Duggan to the creepy ill-intentioned Faraday, this book was very interesting with a great ending and a nice result for Felix.

It was not the best I've read by this author but then again, it wasn't offensive and awful either.

THE ONE AND ONLY KIRSTY MacCOLL, THE BIOGRAPHY by KAREN O'BRIEN

THE ONE AND ONLY KIRSTY MacCOLL

THE BIOGRAPHY

BY KAREN O'BRIEN

THE BLURB:-

Everything about Kirsty MacColl defied the conventional 'pop' category yet she embraced and defended the genre, redeeming it with literate writing that had seldom been seen in British pop music. Regarded as one of music's most original songwriters, Kirsty MacColl's endearingly catchy songs were a rare mix of kitchen-sink realism, pathos and humour.

The One And Only is the highly praised first biography of Kirsty MacColl. Told with full access to her family, closest friends and music collaborators, it's a story of life lived to the full, of love and loss, of family and fame, and of the fight for justice that followed her death.

THE REALITY:-

I enjoyed reading this as it told you everything you wanted to know about Kirsty, from her well-connected (but not without hardship) childhood, her blossoming romance with Steve Lillywhite, their showbiz wedding and the births of their two sons to the frustrations and sheer bad timing and luck she suffered within the record industry, her marriage break up, depressions and shocking, untimely death.

Did I like her? Hell, yes. She had a rather flat singing voice and I preferred that deadpan delivery to over-emotional meanderings. Her songwriting was very catchy, funny and clever. I did hear her interviewed and have to say that she had a very strange accent- London entwined with the over-pronunciation of the letter t (I personally cannot stand people enunciating all of their consonants) but at times she sounded almost Aussie! I'm also no fan of the ditty-dirge song “Days” (I dislike The Kinks' version too).

But, generally speaking, this book sold me a woman I would probably have gotten on with. She was someone with a million faces, who looked different in every photograph.  She was also someone who looked like an old soul, with a sadness behind the eyes evident early on in her career. Did she know or sense something that we didn't? 

Like myself (both in the 1980s and now), she had a style that was kind of “glam punk.” With gorgeous big red tresses juxtaposed with panda kohl eyes and leathers, she had a harder edge to her femininity. She is also noted as being a tell-it-like-it-is, no bullshit kind of woman who didn't suffer fools gladly. This approach probably hampered her progress in the recording industry in the same way that my similar approach hindered my progress in the fashion industry (which is full of pretentious and none-too-bright idiots). I can also empathize with her fair share of bad timing and bad luck.  

Her death was truly horrific. I have read elsewhere (this book spares the reader the gore) that she was almost cut in half by the propeller of the Percalito, the boat which mowed her down and left her two sons swimming in her blood. At least an end as violent as that would have been quick for her, with the minimal amount of suffering. Small mercies, and all that. Was her mother right to pursue justice? Maybe, yes. I'm sure it was very therapeutic to her during her grief. I think the real driver of the boat was its rich owner, not the hired scapegoat who was left to take the blame. But she was also right to drop the costly campaign- she was really up against bureaucracy and the Mexican authorities and, at the end of the day, nothing was going to bring Kirsty back.

I've lived in London for over twenty years, have worked and partied in the West End and have walked past Soho Square but have never stepped foot inside it. Maybe, next time I'm in central London I will, and I'll find the bench dedicated to her memory and sit down awhile. After all, she gave me the song that I want played at my own funeral. A big shoe fetishist (as my friends will testify) “In These Shoes” is my favourite Kirsty track.

Buy this book if you liked Kirsty, even though the ending, as we know, is so, so sad. Rest in peace. XXXX

YOUR BEAUTY MARK by DITA VON TEESE

YOUR BEAUTY MARK- THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO ECCENTRIC GLAMOUR

BY DITA VON TEESE with ROSE APODACA

THE BLURB:-

From burlesque show to fashion runway, magazine cover to Internet video, style icon and “burlesque super heroine” Dita Von Teese has undergone more strokes of red lipstick, bursts of hairspray, boxes of blue-black dye, and pats of powder in a month than a drag queen could dream of in a lifetime. Whether she's dazzling audiences while swirling in a towering Martini glass in Swarovski-crystal-covered pasties and stilettos or sparking camera flashes on the red carpet, one reality is constant for this self-styled star- beauty is an art.

Now, for the first time in her Technicolour career, Dita divulges the beauty wisdom that keeps her on best-dressed lists and high-profile fashion show rosters. This book takes you through every step of Dita's glamour arsenal, and includes her confidantes- masters in make-up, hair, medicine and exercise, as well as some of the world's most eccentric beauties- for authoritative advice. Packed with sound nutrition and exercise guidance, skin care and scent insight, as well as accessible techniques for creating bombshell hairstyles and make-up looks and more, this inspiring resource shares the skills, history and lessons you need to enhance your individual gifts and realize your own beauty mark.

THE REALITY:-

What a sheer wonderful delight for the well-being from from the Queen of Teese!

Dita is a lady after my own heart. Like her, I'm an advocate of old-fashioned glamour, which harks back to the stars of the silver screen and the days when women dressed like women; in full make-up, glamorous clothing and with perfectly styled hair. Think Elizabeth Taylor, Jane Russell and Marilyn Monroe. Few stars nowadays seem to come close to that but The Teese is one of them.

Like Dita, I love the trifecta of pale skin, dark hair and red lipstick. (What is this obsession with sunbathing? And those horrible French manicures with squared-off tips? And nude lipstick? Uuuuuuuurgh!!!!) Add to that cat's eyes and a bit of alternative decoration and we are talking PERFECTION. Like Dita, I think it's okay to dress differently to the masses and that difference should be celebrated, not ridiculed. Like Dita, I deplore and have no time for “the natural look” as it is not for me. There have been many who have tried to change me- at the age of seventeen I had a boyfriend threaten to buy me blue jeans (like Dita, denim does not touch my body and hasn't done since I was twelve years old. After all, it's men's work wear and jeans do nothing for my short, curvy figure). I told him not to waste his money as I would have put them straight into the bin. At the age of eighteen I had another boyfriend threaten to buy me “black Reebok boots”- I have no idea what these sinister-sounding objects looked like but kind of got the jist and told him that if he did, they would also end up filed under B. The same man told me to “do your hair and make-up more naturally.” Both relationships didn't last long. I have also had friends offer to make me over, whilst sporting a malicious gleam in their silly eyes. I always decline, only to be told that “I'm spoiling their fun.” Well, I then tell them to make themselves or each other over as I know what they are up to, and that is trying to straighten my hair and sticking some kind of conformist and frumpy style (their idea of “beauty” and “sexy”) onto the rest of me. By the way, I hate straight hair too- it's B-O-R-I-N-G.

In reality, this book did not teach me much that I didn't know already, but it's nice to see that Dita is a bit of a DIY queen who always does her own make-up, dyes her hair at home and has a simple and cheap haircut whenever she needs one. Like her, I'm not one for hairdressers and beauty salons- I have neither the time or inclination. It's also good to see that she's not bitter. By all accounts, her marriage breakdown was pretty nasty, with another woman being involved, but she mentions Marilyn Manson and he features in one of the photographs. Good for her- life is too short to let the past eat you up.

With great beauty tips for those of you who are not clued up (read up about half-moon manicures- my mum taught me how to do these. I'm actually not over-keen but it is a dying art that looks very vintage and feminine) and some fantastic photographs of the lady herself (this book is also a treat for the men in our lives!  In fact, my partner bought it for me...hmmm...) this coffee table lovely comes highly recommended.

I tell you something, though (like Dita, I hate my hair being touched when it's "done"-  I don't do my hair for other people to play with) I bet even she hasn't used as much hairspray in her lifetime as I have in mine...

KALEIDOSCOPE by HAINAULT WRITERS' GROUP

HAINAULT CREATIVE WRITERS PRESENT A

KALEIDOSCOPE

OF STORIES AND POEMS IN MANY SHADES AND COLOURS

THE BLURB:-

Reading is a great pastime- enjoy our stories, verse and rhyme.

THE REALITY:-

This treat was passed on to me by my partner's mother- she has a retired, widowed relative (cousin, second cousin or in-law, I'm not sure of the exact relationship) who attends this Hainault Creative Writers' group regularly. They collectively read books for discussion and submit their own material, much the same as many writers' groups all over the country. It's a nice thing to do and a great outlet for those who are passionate about the written word.

I enjoyed a lot of the works and speed-read the less interesting. Like any collective work, some things grabbed my attention and some didn't. I'm aware that many of the members are seniors and I don't mind this- I'm always interested in old people's stories of a bygone age (before my time) and like their anecdotes about childhoods less privileged than my own, and also their lovely stories regarding the war.

One commended work was The Zoo, a poem by Barbara Cleere, about a day out and one lady's fear of being eaten by a lion! I'm not being biased- I liked this before realising that it was written by my partner's relative!

Of particular note is the story Valentine's Gift by Pat Ade Ayebola, with its sinister end twist. The story which really struck an emotional chord was Mummy's Girl by Janis King, this being my favourite work in the whole book.

I wish I hadn't been reading I Won't Do That Again by Susan Reid Jones whilst eating my chicken curry supper- urgh, too much information about dogs' shit!

My criticism of this book is that with spelling mistakes, grammatical errors, wrong contextual use of words and malapropisms, is that it really needs an editor. I would be happy to offer my services FOC in return for a credit (and maybe a bottle of sparkling white wine!) A bit more continuity with the typing would have created a more professional finish, rather than a hotch-potch of fonts and sizes. Someone else can offer their services to do that as I'm not a secretary and it would take me forever!